


You've been taken to the cleaners and you don't even know your pants are off

by paragraph (ebcdic)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, Buying a House Together, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House Fusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 22:49:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3586893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebcdic/pseuds/paragraph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen and Jared decide to buy a home together. It doesn't go as planned. Fusion with the movie Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream Home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You've been taken to the cleaners and you don't even know your pants are off

Jensen looks at his watch, sighs, and reaches to his left, bracing a hand against the cabinet holding the dishes while pressing his right knee against the drawer with the silverware and holding his mug of coffee in a death grip in his right hand. It's 6:15am and the daily freight train is right on time. The train blows past Jensen's apartment, rattling the windows and shaking everything that isn't nailed down. Jensen hears Jared curse as once again he picked the wrong time of day to shave. As soon as the train is gone, Jensen relaxes again, finishing his coffee before setting the mug in the sink. He slides sideways through the narrow galley kitchen and out into the living area, where he shoves the Murphy bed back in its place. This leaves enough space to get to the bathroom, where he knocks on the door.

"Hurry up, Jared, I'm going to be late for work," Jensen calls out.

The muted sound of Jared cursing followed by something crashing into the sink is the only answer Jensen gets, but a few seconds later, the door opens, revealing Jared standing in the bathtub in just his boxer briefs. Jensen steps into the tub with him and they shuffle around each other until Jensen's at the sink, brushing his teeth, and Jared is behind him, trying to comb his hair into some semblance of order. The bathroom is so cramped and narrow that the only way to enter or exit is to stand in the bathtub. There's barely enough space between the toilet and the tub to stand and the sink actually juts into the bathtub.

"We've got to move out of here," Jared says as Jensen is rinsing out his mouth with tepid tap water.

"We can barely afford this place, you know that," Jensen says automatically. They have this discussion at least once a week. Jensen is a physical therapist at the public hospital and makes next to nothing, especially when compared to how much he owes in student loans. Jared works for a non-profit dog rescue and makes even less.

"I know. But there's this place near work. It'll need some work but it's got a big backyard." Jared flashes his puppy-dog eyes at Jensen. "We could finally get a dog."

Jensen shoves his toothbrush into the cabinet and then they shuffle around each other so Jensen can exit the bathroom. He slips on his shoes and then digs around in the small dresser by the front door for his ID badge, mumbling to himself to avoid answering Jared. The dog rescue is out in the boonies. The only reason they still have Jared's beat-up, rusted '87 Ford pick-up truck and pay insurance on it is so Jared can have a way to get to work.

"Jen?" Jared calls out. "Did you hear me?"

"Yeah," Jensen calls back as he finally finds his ID card.

"Could you at least meet me after work and look at the place? I'll leave you the car and hitch a ride with Genevieve." Jared pleads as he pokes his head out of the bathroom door.

Jensen grumbles under his breath but nods. He's never been able to say no to Jared.

**

"No. No. Hell no," Jensen says several hours later.

The house Jared had dragged him to look at doesn't just need some work. It needs to be leveled to the ground and possibly exorcised. The only good thing about it is that it's within walking distance of a commuter rail line, not quite as far out into the middle of nowhere as Jensen imagined, and close enough to Jared's job that maybe they could even get rid of the truck. But still.

"What? I told you, it just needs a little work," Jared pouts.

Jensen snorts. "Are you kidding me? It's not even level."

Jared squints at the building. "It's totally level."

"The right side of the house is sinking. You can't even see the foundation."

"Maybe it was designed like that. Like a half-basement or something."

"And the giant hole in the roof with the squirrel's nest sticking out of it?"

"We can fix that."

"And the tree growing in the middle of the front porch?"

"I'll chop it down."

Jensen crosses his arms over his chest, determined to not give in. "And how much is this monstrosity going to cost us?"

"Six thousand," Jared beams, like this is a great deal.

"A month?" Jensen gapes, incredulous.

"No, no, no." Jared waves his hands. "Total."

"That's still a lot of money," Jensen grumbles. "And what about taxes, insurance, utilities?"

"Taxes are only three hundred a year. Chad will hook us up on insurance, you know that. And we already pay utilities on the apartment," Jared answers, ticking each point off on his hand.

"You think it's going to cost the same to heat a house as it does to heat a tiny studio apartment?" Jensen huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.

Jared puts his hands on Jensen's shoulders and looks him in the eye. "We'll make it work, I promise."

Jensen glances at the house and then back at his boyfriend's pleading eyes. "Yeah, okay."

"Really?"

When Jensen nods, Jared steps back and whoops, throwing his fist in the air. He starts dancing around and singing horribly off key about buying a house. Jensen can't help but grin.

**

As it turns out, it's not that simple to buy a house. There's closing costs and meetings with lawyers and bankers and title companies. Jensen's hand is starting to cramp by the time he's done signing what feels like hundreds of pages of documents that are all in incomprehensible legalese. In the end they get a set of keys, a ream of paper, and raging migraines.

**

Jensen spends the next week trying to find a contractor willing to come out the property to give an estimate on the repairs. While he and Jared can do some of the minor things, they're not electricians or plumbers, and despite Jared's "how hard can it be?" speech, Jensen isn't about to find out.

When he finally does get someone to come out, it's a grizzly bear of a guy named Jim Beaver, who takes one look at the house, shakes his head and says, "Tear it down."

The next three contractors all say the same thing and that's when Jensen really starts to panic.

**

"We bought a lemon," Jensen bemoans.

He and Jared are sitting in bed, a laptop with a budget spreadsheet open balancing on Jensen's lap, while Jared is flipping through the meager ten channels they get on their TV.

"Nah, we just have to find the right contractor," Jared says, not even looking away from the TV.

"Jared," Jensen grits out. He grabs the remote, shuts off the TV, and throws the remote in the general direction of the nightstand. "Listen to me here. No one is willing to do the repairs. No one."

"So we'll do them," Jared shrugs. "I don't see why you're so upset about this."

"We can't do them!" Jensen exclaims. "If a professional with a license can't do them why do you think we can do them?"

Jared leans close and kisses Jensen softly. "Because we can do anything. Together."

"Argh," Jensen grunts, pushing Jared away. "If we had a couch, you'd be sleeping on it tonight."

"What?" Jared asks with a frown. "What did I do?"

Jensen closes the laptop, sets it down on the nightstand, slides down on the bed so he's lying on his side away from Jared, and pulls the blanket up to his ears. This is one time where Jared's unfailing, cheesy optimism is not cute. Not at all.

**

When Jensen wakes up the next morning, it's to find Jared cooking breakfast in the kitchen, the smell of coffee and slightly burnt toast permeating the air. Jensen rubs at his eyes and then snuggles back under the covers, watching Jared move around the small space, his hips swaying as he hums some pop song under his breath. Jensen almost feels bad for being so short with his boyfriend the night before, almost.

"Hey sleepyhead," Jared says when he turns around. "I made your favorite."

"Jare…" Jensen sighs, torn between still being pissed and apologizing.

Jared takes the three whole steps forward to get to the bed from the entryway to the kitchen and crouches down. He cups the side of Jensen's face, rubbing his thumb across his temple.

"No, you're right. I haven't been as involved as you in the house stuff and I should listen to you," Jared says softly.

Jensen turns his head and presses a kiss to Jared's palm. "I'm just worried that we made a mistake. If we have to tear it down, how are we going to afford to build a new house?"

"I'll…" Jared takes a deep breath, straightens up a bit. "I'll go to my parents."

"What?" Jensen sits up. "Jared, I won't let you do that."

Jared's parents had disinherited him when he came out to them. It was before he and Jensen had even met, but the way Chad tells it, Jared's parents are about as conservative as conservative gets and pretty much threw Jared out on his ass without a penny.

"They probably wouldn't give me the money anyway," Jared sighs.

He stands back up and goes back to getting breakfast ready. Jensen picks at the edge of the blanket and thinks. There are always Jensen's parents; they're not rich like Jared's but maybe could spare enough for a down payment on a loan. And then there's Jensen's ex-boyfriend, a doctor at the hospital Jensen works at.

"I could ask Jeff," Jensen calls out. He watches Jared's hand tighten on the plate he's holding and winces. "I mean, it would be a loan, of course," Jensen quickly adds.

"Absolutely not," Jared says adamantly as he comes toward the bed with their breakfast on a tray.

"We could go to my parents, then," Jensen offers as he takes the tray.

"You know all the money they're saving is for their retirement," Jared says softly as he settles beside Jensen.

"I know," Jensen sighs.

"What about Chad?" Jared ventures.

Jensen pauses with his coffee mug halfway to his lips. "Are you kidding me? The guy is always asking you for money."

Jared scratches the back of his neck. "Yeah, he thinks it's funny. But he's actually really rich."

"What?"

"His dad owns that insurance firm he works for," Jared explains.

Jensen takes a couple of sips of his coffee, thinking. Chad's a strange guy. He comes off as a jerk a lot of the time, but he's well-meaning. In his own way. Jensen just fears that taking a loan from him is going to result in disaster. Chad probably will want full access to their house or dibs on Jared's sister or something.

"You think he'd even go for it?"

"He'll probably want something ridiculous instead of the money back, but yeah," Jared says.

Jensen shrugs. What's the worst that can happen?

**

"Okay, but you have to let me pick out the colors to paint the house," Chad says when they ask.

Jensen glances at Jared and raises his eyebrow. Jared shrugs back.

"Yeah, okay," Jared says.

"Yes," Chad crows, rubbing his hands together in glee.

Jensen envisions his house painted in pimp colors-- lime green, deep purple, gold, bright orange—and tries not to shudder.

**

The house is torn down to the ground two days later.

**

"Okay, but I think we should have a third bedroom," Jared says as they look over the floor plans the architect they hired provided them.

"Why?" Jensen asks, frowning at the drawing.

"What if we have kids?"

"Kids?" Jensen nearly chokes on his own saliva. "I thought we agreed to not have any."

"Sure, but what if we change our minds ten years from now?" Jared asks with a slight pout.

"We could have a third bedroom if you got rid of your game room," Jensen points out.

"But where will I play my video games?" Jared gasps.

"In the living room like a normal person?" Jensen suggests.

"What about your sunroom? What is that anyway?"

"It's a place I can relax after a hard day of work," Jensen huffs.

"That's why I wanted a game room," Jared says. "Why can't you relax in there?"

Jensen rolls his eyes. "Yeah, listening to you swearing at the TV is so relaxing."

Jared huffs in frustration. "Fine, no third bedroom."

Jensen manfully resists the urge to fist-pump in triumph.

**

The actual construction of the house seems like it will be easy. Until Jensen starts getting dozens of phone calls from contractors every day. Jensen knows nothing about pipes, electrical wiring, lintels, lallys, rabbets, or for that matter how to properly wield a hammer. That's why he hired other people to do it.

And when Jensen takes the train out there after work, it's even worse because there is paperwork to sign and the bills are piling up faster than he can calculate the money. Jensen keeps worrying that Chad is going to get all these bills and promptly say "just kidding, guys!" leaving Jared and Jensen with a pile of debt.

"Zuz Zuz water softener? What's this?" Jensen asks Jim Beaver, who they decided to work with after all.

"Well, you don't get city water out here. You get well water and yours is about the most corrosive we've ever seen. Gotta save your boiler and pipes somehow."

"And what about this? It says something about see section 37?"

"Let me see…" Jim starts digging through the blueprints. "Oh, yeah, your… partner called up. Said he wanted a cement floor in the den. Something about dogs?"

Jensen presses his palm to his forehead. "And why does it cost fifteen thousand dollars to put in a cement floor?"

"Well, see, we had already laid the base of the floor. But that base wasn't designed to hold such a heavy floor. So we had to rip it out. And then it turns out that some electrical cable ran through there that had to be moved because of the drain."

"The drain? What drain?"

"Well, see, your partner wanted a bar put in with a sink. Need a drain for that. Pipes, too. But then we found out that—"

Jensen cuts Jim off with a wave of his hand. "Just… fine. It's fine."

Or it will be fine once Jensen wrings Jared's neck.

**

Jensen walks the short distance from the house to the animal shelter, muttering under his breath all the way. Halfway there it starts pouring down rain and of course Jensen forgot his umbrella. He storms into the shelter, banging the door behind him, as he seeks Jared out. Jared is sitting one of the counters, Genevieve standing in between his legs, playing with Jared's hair.

"What the fuck?" Jensen shouts.

Genevieve jumps back from Jared and whirls around. "Geez Jensen, you scared me."

"Jense, it's nothing, she was just helping me decide what length to get my hair trimmed. You mentioned it was getting a bit too shaggy and I—"

Jared is giving the puppy dog eyes, but Jensen is soaking wet, cold, and just spent over an hour signing away his life after spending twelve hours on his feet at work. Those eyes are not going to work this time.

"Why didn't you consult me before putting a concrete floor in your game room?" Jensen demands, waving his briefcase wildly, which contains all the copies of the paperwork.

"It's my game room. I don’t see the big deal; it's just a different flooring type," Jared says with a frown.

"Just a different flooring type," Jensen grits out. "It cost fifteen thousand dollars!"

Jared's eyes go wide. "What? I had no idea."

Genevieve gestures toward the back of the shelter and then quickly disappears. Jared steps closer to Jensen, his hands held out placatingly.

"C'mon, don't worry so much. Chad is paying for it," Jared pleads.

"And what if he doesn't, huh? What if he changes his mind?" Jensen slumps against the nearest wall. His face feels tight, like he's on the verge of crying, and he shuts his eyes tight, fighting it back.

"Then we'll deal with it like we always do," Jared says softly. He gently touches the side of Jensen's face. "Together."

Jensen cracks one eye open. "Sap."

"Eh, you love it," Jared shrugs with a small grin.

"Yeah, well, you're still on dishes duty for the next year," Jensen grumbles.

"Got a thing for dishpan hands, huh?" Jared teases.

"Oh shut up," Jensen teases right back, gently pushing Jared away before hauling him right back in for a kiss.

**

A month later, the house is finally finished. Except for the paint. Chad is standing in the living room with a bag in his hands, nearly vibrating with excitement. Jensen eyes the bag warily while the painter, a redhead named Danneel, opens a notebook, ready to write everything down.

"Now, I want the living room to be a soft green," Chad starts.

Danneel nods, jotting it down. Jensen is pleased that it's not pimp lime green.

"Not quite as bluish as a robin's egg, but yet not as yellow as daffodil buds."

"Uh-huh," Danneel says, cutting her eyes to Jensen and Jared as if to question them on Chad's sanity, but all they can do is shrug.

Chad digs in his bag before pulling out a paint sample, handing it to Danneel. "The best sample I could get is a little too yellow, but don't let whoever mixes it go to the other extreme and get it too blue. It just should be a grayish yellow green."

"Hmm." Danneel takes the sample, shoving it in her pocket.

"Now, the dining room. I'd like a yellow. Not just any yellow, but a very cheerful yellow."

"Right."

"Something bright and sunshiny."

Jensen glances at Jared and mutters under his breath, "I hope my retinas don't burn out." And Jared has to fight back a snicker.

Chad lights up, snapping his fingers. "I tell you. If you go to the grocery store and buy a pound of butter. Really good butter. And match it exactly, you can't go wrong."

"Mmm-hmm."

Jared tries to take a peek at Danneel's notebook and Jensen shoves at him lightly when Chad narrows his eyes at them. Jensen tries to offer Chad a smile, but it probably comes out more like a grimace. Chad nods slightly and then pulls something out of his bag.

"This is the wallpaper we're going to use in the hallway. It's flowered but I don't want the ceiling to match any of the colors of the flowers. There are some little dots in the background, and it's these dots I want you to match. Not the little greenish dots near the hollyhock leaf, but the little bluish dot between the rosebud and the delphinium blossom. Is that clear?"

Danneel takes the wallpaper sample and appears to examine it closely before shoving it in her pocket, too. "Uh-huh."

"The kitchen's to be white. Not a cold, antiseptic hospital white. A little warmer but not to suggest any other color but white."

"Mmm."

"Now for the bathroom, I want you to match this thread." Chad pulls it out of his bag, handing it over like it's the Holy Grail. "You can see it's practically an apple red. Somewhere between a healthy Winesap and an unripened Jonathan."

"Yep."

Chad's cell rings and he pulls it out with a frown. "Gotta take this, guys, sorry."

Jared and Jensen look at each other and then back at Danneel. "Got all that?" Jensen asks, fighting back a laugh.

"Yep," Danneel says, completely deadpan as she uses her thumb to point at each room. "Green, yellow, blue, white, red."

She shuts her notebook and shoves the last of the samples in her pocket. "See you later, gents."

As soon as she's out the door Jensen gives up, leaning into Jared's shoulder as he laughs hysterically. Jared starts laughing too and it's the best sound Jensen's heard in a while. He finally lifts his head, wiping at his eyes.

"I'm so glad that's over," Jensen sighs in relief.

"Me too." Jared grins wickedly and then Jensen is suddenly in his arms, carried bridal style.

"Jared Padalecki, put me down!" Jensen demands while still throwing his arms around Jared's neck to prevent himself from falling to the floor.

"Nope, gotta be traditional and carry my bride over the threshold."

"Why am I the girl?!" Jensen demands with a slight pout.

"You want to try carrying me?" Jared smirks, starting to let Jensen down.

"No, no, that's okay."

Jensen is under no delusions when it comes to Jared's strength versus his own. Jared hefts him back up and heads toward the master bedroom. Jensen is sure all the hassle they went through to get here was worth it.

At least until he notices the bedroom has already been painted a garish purple.

** 


End file.
